I understand that things change and evolve ... but I'd rather the "things" not be my memories. And there's a way to do it --
Nobody wants to watch Lassie, weak legged, patches of scratch marks, trying to get that prostrate working one last time. Not anyone in my neighborhood.
I know an original Brady Bunch kid. I met him playing basketball on the beach where his belief in his shot was astounding, given his low shooting percentage. No one approves of his growing up. Everyone likes him better as a child. Yesterday I saw him playing guitar to himself on the sand.
Elvis' aging process deteriorated so rapidly that sales of his records doubled after his death. His life got in the way of his success.
HOW TO AGE
Marlana Dietrick did the right thing: give the public your best image then vamoose. I get nightmares thinking of Marilyn Monroe on the talk show circuit, flirting with Letterman.
Howard Cossell got as unpopular as anyone ever was, dropped out ... dropped dead. You've got to like that.
The best idea is to get famous when you're old. Einstein--there was a smart one: screwed around for 60 years, made the discovery of the century, poof.
My friend Eve was half of a second-rate comic act in Vegas. Her partner retired and she moved to L.A. at age 79. Now you'd think after 80 years if your career didn't hit, maybe you'd figure it's not meant to be.
But by 83 Eve had worked every major TV show; Spielberg called her "the grandmother he never had". She had to quit other commercials when Farmer's Insurance offered an exclusive 6 figure deal. They published her autobiography. Talk about the last laugh.
For the non-famous it's moot. Age gracefully, age like a freak: nobody cares. People actually feel better if you're aging worse than they are.
But if you're famous, an icon, if society has filled its need to create a hero in you, I believe it's society's responsibility to protect you. If you happen to sleep with the President or kill one wife, I think it should be covered up. But heroes must respect the one Cardinal Rule: you made your mark, now disappear. For the good of us all.
If they go too far they should be--as the CIA puts it--"buried early".
The entire 1955 Yankees should have been placed in the witness protection program. This also goes for Mary Lou Retin.
The story Bury 'em Early is Copyright 1998 by Dennis Lamour.
The collection of works called Fish Eggs For The Soul is Copyright 1998 by Brian Rickman.
Copy edited by Sara Fawbush, editor of The Young Writer's Collection.