THE REAL JULY FOURTH

Dennis Lamour

The Founding Fathers and probably everyone in 1776 agreed that it was dumb to pay tax to England. That little island, 3000 ocean miles away, couldn't provide any services to the colonies, so in a war, they couldn't supply enough forces or logistics. Explorers were coming back every day and by all accounts America was B-I-G. All that was needed was 1) to come up with a slogan and, 2) to make an agreement.

So James Madison, immortalized by having his wife on ice cream boxes, suggested "Taxation without representation is tyranny". And darned if it didn't catch on --- people were hollering it in the streets. It had just the right mix of intellectualism and name-calling.

You're wondering "Who represents my taxation now?" Did they started a war because they didn't have H&R Block?? Or what -- my lawyer represents me? My Congressperson? The President? I know one thing: Whoever's representing my taxation is doing one lousy job.

Anyway, they get the slogan and call a meeting. And Jefferson, I think it was - tall, liberal kid with a 20 bedroom mansion in Virginia - stands up and says "If we're goin' ta' make an agreeeeement he-a, we've gotta make it … so it'll last fo-ever ".

Now most people thought dividing land into States was hard enough. Getting a group to temporarily agree on the raising of an army, the role of the government, etc. was a formitible task. The idea of an agreement that would last "forever" was so pie-in-the-sky, the assembled group of financiers, merchants and military fell silent.

Then somebody else stands up (we never learn his name) and loudly says, "I agree with Tom. And I think an eyeball should go on a pyramid on the currency!"

Another moment of stillness.

"Yeah. And some Latin," says a Catholic priest in the rear. "Because nobody's spoken it for 900 years."

"In God We Trust," suggests a Quaker, who was actually quaking.

"Shut up, you religious fanatics, that "God" business got me booted out of Finland", snips Quincy Jones.

"I demand the Right to Free Speech," says John Carroll, the best dressed among them.

"We can just say 'Separation of Church and State'", says Henry Clay compromisingly.

"I'll write it all down because I have the best penmanship," says John Adams, who later became our second President and a synonym for "signature."

"Yes, but I have the paper", says Alexander Hamilton, wearing boots that he thought were fashionable, but were very 1760's ish.

"Give Mr. Adams the paper Alex, and your picture can be on the ten dollar bill," says Henry Clay. "Also you can be the first Secretary of the Treasury."

"It's a deal," says Hamilton, always a bit impulsive.

"How about the Right to things we haven't thought of yet?" says Ben Franklin.

"Go back to France you old buzzard: you're talkin' crazy", says Thomas Paine, author of Common Sense.

Ben continues: "Like the Right to Media Access …"

"He's on the snuffs again"!

"… Freedom of independently financed space exploration …

"Go fly a kite"!

" … Freedom to patent genetically altered microorganisms …"

"Sit down, Ben!"

"… Freedom to take your own popcorn to the moving pictures …"

"Look Ben, we'll call it 'Freedom of the Pursuit of Happiness'", says Thomas Jefferson. "But the turkey is not going to be the national bird. That's where we draw the line!"

The group begins to get unruly when George Washington steps forward with his pre-wooden teeth smile: "Gentlemen and Masons, I suggest we stay right here, not leave, and not bathe, until this thing is writ".

So they sat in a room in Philadelphia. Fifty men for three days. OK, Quincy Jones and some of those guys weren't really there. But the Founding Fathers signed a document that they knew could get them hung. Executed, dead, no plea bargaining, goodbye Montebello. A document that challenged the most powerful empire in the world to control, by force, its latest prize. A document filled with optimism, balance and the Good Lord. A document that everyone could agree on: and has, for over two hundred and twenty years so far.

And once a year we remember. And celebrate. Happy July 4!